Almost a year

It’s been almost a year since the lockdown. The youngest has gained an additional voice, lost both his part time jobs , gained weight and added yet another anti psychotic to his pill box. Yikes what perseverance this one has as he gets up daily and exercises does some chores , and just maintain .

Yet we are all here struggling with this pandemic though some of us not coping as well as others. Like hubby, he is in his element few personal interactions and staying at home , ideal for him not so much for me. I miss my church family and while we do zoom church it isn’t the same.

We are fortunate and thankful we (hubs and I) got our fist immunization this week and due to his health the youngest is bumped up one group. Yes there are things to be thankful for.

Do my prayer for today is to remain thankful even for small things and to look to the Sovereign Lord when things are out of my control as most things are. Because He remains in, over, and through all things and never leaves things out of His providence. We can place things in prayer for Him to use them to proclaim His glory, under His will and in His timing. We can remain confident that the outcomes may be different than what we want , but the outcomes will be for His Glory after all He is God and we are not.

Binding and loosening

We got through another full moon of course with extra meds but through it. The youngest did not know about the moon because I did a little experiment and it turns out that when I tell him his fret level goes up and anxiety increases so I think for now it is better to deal with the results rather than cause increased anxiety.

Binding and loosening is a different thing. In Matthew Christ is speaking with Peter and tells him that He (Christ) will give him the keys to the kingdom and whatever he binds on earth will be bound in heaven and whatever is loosed on earth will be loosed in heaven.

So here’s the challenge – let’s bind things like hate,divisiveness,spite and let’s loose compassion , truth, Grace and mercy and see if this world can heal because we have the keys – “Love God with all your heart mind and soul and love your neighbor as yourself ” after all we are only in control of one and that is our self . Proclaim the gospel use words as is necessary

My prayer today is for binding and loosening -binding evil and loosening God love, Grace,mercy and compassion. AMEN

Perdicaments vs problem

So I became aware of a problem during the time hubs was in Nepal with the eldest. The youngest had quit doing his own shopping. This is a problem on two fronts, first we are still trying to build independence for him and second this is a step back. I tried on more than one occasion to get him to try again, but I was not in the best place to do that so I waited, prayed and pondered (I should have done this at first but oh well).

Hubs is back with minimal jet lag and I suggested that maybe the youngest was having difficulty because of the time they were going as the youngest gets super anxious when there are lots of people around. So minor adjustment, major step forward and the youngest is back doing his own shopping, yeah👍🏻👏🏻👏🏻🎉👏🏻👍🏻

Now I have stepped back and am letting the social worker work on the dynamic between the youngest and the hubs, because as long as I am in the middle they will rely on me to do the problem solving, the pondering, but if I can get them to engage in this the Joe will start to come up with his solutions and his dad will not rescue him every single time.

So predicaments are unchanging challenges which we all have at times the predicament in this case is the youngest’s schizoaffective disorder. We acknowledge it, we know it is there, but we do not let it overwhelm us. The problems which will arise, we deal with by carefully and with thought and prayer move through. Forward steps no matter how small are still forward steps. Sometimes it is even in the way we speak about things, I have recently been saying to the youngest ” this is what a responsible adult would do” , not only has it changed my thinking but it has in some small way boosted the youngest from his thinking of being taken care of to being able to take care. Small steps in this journey.

So my prayer for today is for continued small steps, for more grace in the predicament, and for more wisdom for the problems that arise. AMEN

Calm, quiet, for now

The hubs and eldest son are back from Nepal and we are back into our routine , sort of. Jet lag has faded into the distance and finally we have some cooler weather. The first day of autumn and we had to turn the air conditioner back on, we baked in 90+ heat without any rain for about ten days. The dry dust sits upon the leaves which crackle and crunch as we walk across them. And the dust just sits there coating everything including the inside of our lungs and noses.

The youngest has done well these past two weeks and I am thankful for the settling of routine. Routines are very important to the youngest. He likes to know what is happening and when but not too much detail. His renal ultrasound indicated his kidneys were normal and functioning well so his blood pressure problem is mainly related to his anxiety. He sits on the edge of panic most days so routine helps. The anxiety goes up and down and it doesn’t matter if the stressors are good (like having his brother back from a trip) or bad ( the unknown of the ultrasound) they are stressor and the anxiety moves up and down. I see sometimes it is my job to frame the events so the panic doesn’t set in and try to be as calm as I can most days. This seems to help but you can never tell what will set it off. So when there is a schedule change I try to let him know ahead of time, reassure that I will have my phone on and try to act “normal” whatever that is lol.

So today is a thankful day, for just calm routines and quietness on this fall day with a little prayer for rain to fall and dampen the dust that coats everything knowing that the Sovereign Lord is in control, He is able, He is faithful, He is love, AMEN

Hello Fall

The summer has flown past. The trunks packed and delivered to Nepal. The youngest has had many ups and downs. We are working on his social skills. This is not going so well.but we are still trying. It is hard especially when we know the voices and loud and saying things like “go chase cars” , or don’t take your meds, or just loudly screeching in his head.

We just try once again, and it seems this is all we can do, one day at a time. His dad is away in Nepal with the eldest sister and her family. The break has been planned and although we had discussed it, the reality is always different. The youngest has been taking an additional antipsychotic, once a day sometime twice, and still the voices are distracting.

So I do what I can, I sit on his bed, quietly praying for the meds to take affect and for him to relax and perhaps go to sleep. And I listen for his even unlabored respiration’s as I tiptoe out of the room hopeful he will rest and feel better in the new day.

So my prayer for today is for me, for me to latch on to and hold on to the truth; That God is faithful, present, active in ,over, and through all things. That He will sustain me and hold me and that I am made in His image and that is enough. AMEN

Ten days

Ten days, wow, ten days and no voices. Yes, that’s right NO voices, no pots banging, no whispers. Ten days of quietude in the youngest’s brain and for those ten days we are so very thankful.

Ten days of quiet, countless prayers have gone up over and over from places all over the world. Prayers for sustained grace and patience while the voices cavorted about in the youngest’s brain. Prayers for this quiet time.

So today my prayer is one of gratitude fo ten days of peace for the youngest, for the Sovereign Lord who has listened and heard the many prayers.


Well it has been a while since I sat down to ponder things. The youngest is still working , has increased his hours a bit from 3 hours to four, 3 days a week and a four hour dishwashing job once a week. This sounds like less than snail’s pace and it is, but with schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder that is the best pace. We are building resilience, endurance and fortitude. It is a slow process and for me it requires lots of patience. I am not known for my patience, lol.

We have seen an uptick in symptoms, the voices with their pot banging. The voices with their talks of the cat (who was neutered) being pregnant and going into labor. And last night asking him to check and see if I was okay. I was and I checked on him and reassured him that I was fine.

Due to the uptick we have added additional antipsychotics and tried to get him to schedule some naps and rest. There is nothing we can do because we just can’t seem to figure what the root cause is. Is it increased stress, increased hours at work, thunderstorms, the death of a pet? The list could go on and on endless in the causes, and without much help at reducing the upticks.

So we solider on trying not to make it a big deal, laugh at the inane things the voices say , and just pray. I pray daily for his relief from the pots and pans banging and the voices. I pray for patience and wisdom in trying to deal with the upticks. I pray that I don’t get overwhelmed with the sorrow and sadness as I watch the suffering. I pray for compassionate employers to continue to stretch the youngest and boost his resilience. I pray for the doctor and therapist to have insight into the youngest and for his health and strength. I now understand what “pray without ceasing” means and I pray for relief because the well is dry and I can’t seem to get to that place where “my cup overfloweth” but I know there will be a time when there will be no more tears and my cup will overflow and I will dwell in the house and be in community with the Sovereign Lord. AMEN

Thunderstorms and Easter

This past weekend we had a lot of thunderstorms. It is spring and we often get them, along with lots of pollen, flowers and Easter. He is risen indeed.

Unfortunately the youngest’s brain does not respond well to the pulls from barometric changes, full moons, and other stressors. We have learned this over the past six years and we know it happens. Yet it still catches me off guard and I realize once again that he is not well , he is better, he is working, and he is still making steps forward. The chronic element is what I do not want deal with , but it is there and so I must.

Easter sunrise service was on Job 14:14, “if a someone dies, will they live again? All the days of my hard service I will wait for my renewal to come” . If you are a Christian, the answer to the question is yes, a man can die and live again, renewed and into an everlasting life. So while this renewal will not occur here in this time I do look forward to seeing the renewed son , the one he was meant to be without this horrible chronic illness.

So my prayer for today is that I will be renewed daily, strengthen daily to deal with the task at hand and no more. No more what ifs, no more wouldn’t it be nice, no more dreams of what could be. Yet continued and renewed strength, wisdom, and perseverance for the day- just one day at the time with the presence of the Sovereign Lord who remains in over and through all things. AMEN

Letting Go

It seems this life is all about letting go, of dream, hopes desires and just trying to hang on by whatever means possible including but not limited to praying, searching scripture, reading books on holy envy and other things as well as knitting lots of dishcloths as your mind can’t settle enough to follow a pattern with any more than basic stitches. Ahhh, deep breathing this morning, deep sighs.

The youngest is off at work. He had a rough couple of weeks with his sister being hospitalized and then there was a gigantic full moon which always pulls on his brain harder and in a way different than it does mine. Things to let go- any sense of “normal” around here lol.

Sister was released after 10-11 days, she only took three doses of medication, has done all her follow up appointments and has gone back to work. Being the person she is , strong, self-directed, I expected nothing less than full steam ahead.

We are flirting with spring here, one day in the 60’s, the next barely edging out of the mid 40’s. The sap is running as witnessed by the budding of everything, the pollen, the birds, the bee and the greening of generally everything, whether by pollen or chlorophyll.

So today my prayer is for letting go and leaning in to what is rather than dreaming of what could be (either disaster, valleys or mountain tops and elation). Sometimes being in the present is hard especially when this world calls us to be constantly forward looking and thinking. Since we can’t change the past, and aren’t promised the future, truly we should stay in the present, without dreams and just know that whatever comes , comes with the presence of the Sovereign Lord, who remains in all things, over all things and through all things. AMEN