The Deceitful Heart ] The heart is more deceitful than anything else, and incurable—who can understand it? I, Yahweh, examine the mind, I test the heart to give to each according to his way, according to what his actions deserve. Jeremiah 17:9-10 Read all of Jeremiah 17
This morning I got up ; our days start early anyway so up at 6:15 In order to do some thinking and praying and to have a moment of peace before the youngest and his dad got up. Or at least that was my plan, but after I let the chickens out, the youngest was up and so was dad so no peace and quiet at least not right away.
I read the above scripture on one of my devotions and it made me think about the heart being deceitful and how all this testing works. This testing from God, who according to Jeremiah anyway; tests and gives to each according to what his actions deserve. I realize this is Old Testament , but it makes you pause and consider – what exactly do I do or not do to be put in this testing.? And I wonder that Job could sustain his faith after losing everything – I haven’t lost like Job- but I do feel lost in this sickness called schizophrenia.
Some days it feels ghostly, like you are still present ; in fact my corporal body attests to this as my physical so said healthy but needs to lose weight!!! As usual another struggle lol for a different time. Back to the ghost – I am here not seen or heard quiet as I listen to the youngest breathe , even unlabored respirations so I think he is asleep maybe. This is a good sign that his brain is calming and I take it as hope that one day I won’t be a shadow leaving text messages, picking up things after everyone has gone, shadows. There is that old saying “out of sight out of mind” and sometimes that is a good thing others not so much. And somewhere in the bible it says you are to die to self and I wonder if this is what it means to be a shadow In this broken world.
Right now my focus is on being the ministry of presence because that is what the youngest requires – my presence. Again I am thankful that he still is attached because there are other who do not have an attachment and are off on their own. Not that their parents were bad or not caring or not loving just that this disease has so eroded the tie that binds that it is snapped and can not be rewoven for some peculiar reason. So presence I will be , quiet, tears flowing gently down my face as I listen to the sleep of the youngest and pray that this is a good thing and that his brain is healing. I will have my quiet time now while practicing the ministry of presence.