I have been thinking about this quite a bit lately. This disease called schizophrenia with all it’s nuances can really be a poser. My youngest is chronologically 21, soon to be 22 but developmentally this is not his age. The voices in his head and his psychosis robbed him of developmental milestones. Like all the exploration teenagers do when deciding a career path, like being independent, like sorting all this out while still under the care of parents who guide and guard and direct. But how do you do that for someone who has lost those years? Where do you start and how much leeway do you give them to explore when then have a tentative grasp on reality? How do you start the conversation about looking to the future when you can not answer the question about possible relapse? Some days I wonder what age the youngest really is because we often seem to float between being age 21 and age 12. How do I know where he it at on any particular day is a mystery which I am confounded by almost daily. This disease makes no sense to me and certainly not to outsiders who say things like ” well he should get a job” or why aren’t you making him work” or “does he do anything except play video games? ” These are hurtful questions, mainly because I have no answers and I don’t even know if I am asking the right questions.
I am not sure when the youngest really started into psychosis which this would be nice to know because then at least I would have a fix on where he was developmentally when this disease robbed him of so much. As a former child health nurse, who talked with parents about milestones it is annoying that I have no clue, not even one about what my own child’s developmental age is – annoyed doesn’t quite cover it.
So I look and pray for wisdom because the good book does not have the answers I am looking for right now. It does have wisdom, and it does help to be constantly and consistently reminded that there is One who is in all, over All and through all things . And it does continually let me know that I am not alone, and I am loved and I need to persevere, but on some days it just makes me cry because it just isn’t enough at least not right now. But persist I shall because I am of the stubborn nature – ask the hubby lol or any of my other children after all they received the stubborn gene from my side of the family lol!!! So PERSEVERE and pawn forward through the tears , tomorrow is another day which will be unlike today because that is just the way schizoaffective/schizophrenia is always challenging never boring but also incomprehensible.