Dark grace, full moon, confusion

Yes this has been Holy Week , the last week of the unressurected Christ on earth. Last week I learned that He continue teaching that week, the last week and I am sure that no one else on this planet would do that of they were told it was their last week. Instead I am sure we would all be doing selfish things. This week has been a dark week of grace, one that I can’t get a handle on it, though I try. Several times this week the youngest has said ” I don’t feel safe” and I do not know what that means. It has been a calm week, we got the taxes done or at least to the CPA , we got the plumbing issue taken care of and we have generally had a quiet week, no surprises; except the not feeling safe.

it breaks my heart each time he reports this feeling. I feel inadequate as a mother and I just am confused as to what to do to make it better, after all that is what mother’s do isn’t it, make things better. And yet sometimes you just can’t make things better, no matter how hard you strive. It is then that you learn to lean, rest and trust in the One who is in all things, over all things and through all things. This dark grace when times are tough are also times of being enveloped in the dark cloud of God – the araphel. A time not only of clouded thoughts and confused thinking; but also a time of protection in this cloud. I have learned to sit in this dark cloud for many days, sit is this grief, sit in this tearful sadness which does not disappear. I have learned to cry silent tears, and to acknowledge that my heart’s desire (my son’s healing) may never occur in this corporal lifetime, but also to acknowledge that one day he will be fully restored. Not just to his former pre-psychosis self, but to a fuller, perfect self he was created to be, in a place where there are no more tears. It is a hard pill to swallow, especially on days when “I don’t feel safe” is repeated along with “you don’t understand” and I am tired.

as Job says “are we to only take the good And not the bad ?” Indeed  we are to take all of it; the good , the bad and the ugly and we can take all of it and rest in the dark cloud of God knowing that He will never leave nor forsake us. My prayer for today is that I will rest in this araphel, rest in the assurance that God is with me and for me. And know that He is in all things, over all things, and through all things. AMEN

 

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