“Surprise”

This was the word of the day, for those who watched Sesame Street , you know how it goes, when the word of the day is said alarms go off and confetti pours down at random moments. So today’s word was “surprise”. Sometime surprises are good and sometimes they are sad. Today it was a mixture of both.Let me try to explain.

The youngest has been participating in a study for schizophrenics and has earned some money. He has decided that he wants to take guitar lessons with a real person teacher , rather than on-line which he has done in the past – SURPRISE!! This is a good thing and it is forward progress that he would want, desire, and follow through with making an appointment and setting up an initial lesson and doing this pretty much on his own. When I first heard about this plan , I was indeed surprised and even more so when he followed through, but I supported his decision and tried not to let my fears get in way of the progress because he had told me he was going to do an hour. Today , however he has let us know it will be for half an hour so even that is a positive thing because he has thought things through and came to a decision that perhaps for now an hour is too long. Good for him.

“SURPRISE “- his counselor has discussed with him and now with us in family that perhaps since he is progressing so well ( think tiny microscopic steps) that he could see her only once every other week rather than the weekly visits that have been ongoing for it seems like forever – at least 3 years with a few missed dates and some vacation time this has been our norm for three years, so we have an adjustment to make as there will be a gap of time that will need to be filled by ???? Not sure at this point what it will be filled by but hopefully some positive activity though this seems like only a fantasy at this point.

So we got home and just did nothing because it was 96 with the heat index at 110 outside and unbearable. I was planning to go to our churches WMU meeting and got ready to go and “SURPRISE ” the youngest pleaded” please don’t go, I don’t feel safe” and so I stayed home – again. I think it was the right decision but not the best decision and I could have put my foot down and gone but that may have shaken his confidence at going to the guitar lessons. A bit later he texted me ” I’m sorry” I’m sorry you can’t have a normal life and that I have schizophrenia and it sucks” – wow it does indeed suck and I haven’t had a normal life since children entered it lol, so there you go.  And then I read “If God rescued us from every earthly difficulty, we’d never know the depth of His comfort. And we’d never be able to adequately comfort others (2
Corinthians 1:3-7).” ( from 1 minute Bible love notes)

so today my prayer is for continuing surprises of the good kind, the comfort of the Lord to flow through me and to the youngest as well as others in need, because there is a lot of need for comfort these days in many ways and I am assured that God the father is in all things, over all things and through all things and that He works to make all things good for those that love him (Ephesians 4:6 & Romans 8:28). We may not be where we want to be, but we are where God has placed us and we are there for a reason though it may not be shown or known to us what that reason is, because God is always good, always loving and always faithful to His purpose we must trust His will even if we never, ever, understand it AMEN

 

 

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Grieving

Today I read this from Family Fire “The goal of grieving is not to change the child, but to free yourself from the anxiety, turmoil, and sense of desperation that the child’s behavior causes in you.” and I thought yes, but what if the grieving is daily and there is no break in which to fully grieve the loss of someone.

my son’s schizophrenia hit him when he was a junior in high school. And we knew something was wrong but were completely unaware of the depth of the psychosis. So when he went to college and did not have the more ordered routine of high school his psychosis got really bad and he finally sought help. And today he is doing well for the most part and making good steps towards independence, but there are days when it is not so.

And I grieve for him, knowing that he wants a better broken but struggles to leave the house. Knowing he wants friends and companionship but struggling to say hello or make eye contact. So you grieve and you grieve daily. Some days is washes over me like waves ,pounding and strong, other days it is just little nudges and the tears flow. Yes I believe in grieving and crying because tears are normal saline , emphasis on the normal. Perhaps I should study grief, but as it changes over time and against circumstances not sure that would do any good .

so my prayer today is a prayer of gratitude, that the Lord God knows our grief, that He bottles our  tears and that He is the great Comfortor. That He provided tears as well as assurances that He will never leave nor forsake us and that He is in all things, over all things and through all things -thank you Lord of all AMEN

Down,sad,lonely

So the eldest, her hubby, and grandson (age 1) came for a visit. Stirring the pot, upending schedules, and creating memories and joy. They came seeking refuge from the big city life and trading it for a little country time, chickens in the yard, wood to be split and stacked , and turkeys to kill and dress. So thankful they spent their vacation working. They will be back at Christmas to eat the turkey and enjoy the warmth of the woodstove. And through all this mayhem the youngest is off balance, quiet reserved.

So I asked him if there were too many people around, but he said no. But then he admitted he was lonely which took me by surprise and yet I could understand it or at least part of it. The eldest busy in all the things that a new mother does, and then the brother and girlfriend also come so there is another relationship budding and blossoming, and the youngest has me and his dad – the olds. So I made a few suggestions about him getting out which fell like a lead balloon, but the seed was planted. And as last week Seed planting about sitting in the congregation, I will continue to seed plant.

Today’s sermon was another which tugged at my heart  because  it was spot on for what I was feeling. The question being the sovereignty of God, and how we respond with trust or “nearly trust” and what it must mean when trials and storms come. And I think it is really hard to hold the sovereignty of God in one hand and suffering in the other. I think is is one of the mysteries of God. The great IAM, is sovereign, the alpha and omega, and is good all the time. This suffering is not from Him though He allows it, but it is from this broken world which does not seem to know IAM, and could care less about sovereignty. Can we draw closer to IAM during trials, – yes indeed we can if we choose,many choose different but today I choose to draw closer to trust IAM, and maybe a little further from the “nearly”. On days when the youngest is struggling I struggle also but as the song says “but I know whatever befalls me , Jesus doeth all things well. Yes God is good all the time, the struggles are real, everyone does not get a miracle, and perhaps the miracle is that belief in the sovereignty of God still exists and persists in the struggles. It is a mystery, a lovely God-sized mystery, I liken it to knitting fair isle pattern but looking at the wrong side of the work, you see the knots and floats, but then turn it over and see the beautiful pattern. I can only imagine the beautiful pattern we will see when we get to our forever home, what a wonder it will be. So my prayer for today is to remain undiminished in trust of the IAM, because of the sovereignty , the mystery ,the faithfulness, the good, the constant love embodied and shown through the son Christ Jesus. AMEN

Caught

This Sunday past the youngest and I went to church. On the way there, I asked if he would like to sit in the sanctuary, and his response was classic ” I would really like to do that, to be able to sit in the sanctuary but I just can’t right now, I’m sorry mom”. It broke my heart a little bit for I know how he struggles, but I will keep asking the question and keep trying to do the hard thing rather than the easy thing so he will move forward, but it is hard.

And it is harder when we look at the world events of the past week, with the killings, and the animosity, and hate and strife that seems to be stirred up and ongoing everywhere. Reminds me of that Christmas song – I heard the bells on Christmas Day, because there is a verse of that song which says ” there is no peace on earth I said then pealed the bells more loud and sweet, God is nor dead not doth He sleep” . I am so glad  that I went to church. The pastor had a sermon about the woman caught in adultey, now that is not something I have been caught in but I have been caught this past week in all the strife, and animosity going around. If you get caught in something I think the first thing you need to do is look for God in the situation, because He is always there, ready and more than able to assist you. Wouldn’t it be grand if the news reported on all the kind things that are going on in this world. It would surely help us to be less apathetic when something horrendous like the shootings happen. Anyway the sermon focus was not on the sin, or the sinner, but on the mercy and grace provided by Jesus. Yes, there it is again mercy and grace, something which is sorely lacking if you follow the news , or listen to the media. Blessed are the peacemakers, can we each one decide to be a peacemaker rather than an instigator?. Can we take a step back from our opinion and listen to the other side? Can we withhold one word of disparagement for one word of kindness? And can we do this daily until it becomes a habit rather than an unusual occurrence ? So my prayer today is for listening ears to hear, a kind heart which breaks at the despair and anguish of those who feel so beaten down that they act irrationally, and compassion for all of us in this broken world.

Next Sunday, the youngest and I will go back to church and I will again ask “would you like to sit in the sanctuary ” and I will hope for a step forward. Because life goes on and we are called to persevere in this world until we move on to our forever home with Jesus. Until then we are to be Christ’s ambassadors in this broken world and we should not take this duty lightly or without thought, but remain in God’s will, through the reading of His word and the praying of our hearts and LISTENING to the Spirit. Amen

Diminished

So this has been a different week. Last week I went to the doctors ( with all the appointments we have you would think we are all desparetly ill – not so praise the Lord) just for a routine physical. All was well,all the numbers they check were good except my blood pressure which of course was somewhat elevated! No real surprise there since I live in a house which is like a cesspool of stress hormones bathing me daily, raising my cortisol levels to some out of this world range. Cortisol is that adrenal hormone which helps you during a flight or fight response and keeps you going, but under chronic stress it raises your blood pressure, and makes you retain every calorie you eat no matter how much you exercise, or restrict your caloric intake. Well that’s my story of why I am overweight, which the doctor always comments on and wants me to lose weight which just isn’t happening ; I am stuck, and so the increased B/P and talk of weight only serves to increase my B/P and make me want to eat lots of doughnuts, lol talk about counterintuitive consequences!!

Having learned about being stuck ( see previous post – apparently stuck is a clinical diagnosis) and having learned how to help someone get unstuck, I thought I should perhaps put some of those things used for the youngest into play for myself. So off to Amazon looking for rhodalia Aswangada, and hibiscus , deep meditative breathing, and rocking, as well as plotting the B/P of course. And it has come down, not as much as I need it to but it is down so we will continue this titration until I have enough evidence to take and have a discussion with the doctor.

I was speaking with my pastor about all this and all what my circumstances have been and he said something like this” you know in all this you have  not diminished, meaning you are still doing here at church and at home” I laughed and said well the doctor does want me diminished by about 20 pounds, but in thinking of being diminished I have to say that in these circumstances,with schizophrenia ever present and a daily stess , that if I have not diminished it is because the hand of the Lord has sustained me, placed the right people to help me, hubby, and the youngest in our path, and has put me in the cleft of the rock, to protect me, guard me and guide me, so that I may see more of Him. I am totally convinced as never before that He is in all things, over all things, and through all things. Yes, there will be trouble in this world but oh what an amazing site we will see when we all are in the presence of His majesty, and that will make it all worth while!!!! AMEN