Return

I have returned from being in NYC for 6 days. I returned to a calm household, roast chicken and veggies and general calmness. Hugs from the hubby and son . Peace and calm. I read this quote this week while I was away

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’”

—MARY ANNE RADMACHER, American writer and artist

and I thought of the youngest and his struggle with this disease of schizophrenia. He has such courage and he does not know this at least not yet. He has courage because he does get up and try again tomorrow. Some days there are choices he would like to make , like last Saturday. He would have like for me to stay home, but he did not ask for me to stay even though that would have been the easy thing. No, he chose to do the hard thing and let me go and help the eldest with the grandson. It was the hard thing, and the courageous thing. I knew it was a hard thing because his pupils were dilated, breathing a bit short but steady and very quiet. And his courage has caused growth which again he does not realize yet. I am so very proud of all that he has done this week. He did keep in touch, texting daily but not in a panic except for Sunday, but after some reassurances by me and by hubby, he again courageously pulled himself together and got up the next day and continued his routine, jogging, doing the self -care things he needed to do. We will be debriefed next week at our family meeting and I shall be crowing like a rooster beaming with pride and joy at both hubby and son.

so my prayer for today is for continued courage, continued getting up and stepping forward each day, knowing he can reach out not just to me but to others and enlarging his circle. Knowing that the Lord God who is in, over and through all things is all over this situation and I am grateful – eternally grateful AMEN

Rest – sort of :)

So I made it to NYC, amidst birthday celebrations, and homecoming fish fry and general mayhem. The flight was a bit bumpy, but the welcome to NYC priceless because the eldest and the grandson were at the airport to meet me – it was fun. The hubby took me to the airport and as I hugged everyone my good-byes, I noted that the youngest was hesitant and his pupils were dilated , stressed to the max but willing to let go – another step on his journey.

Reports from home were mixed, Sunday night the youngest had a mild panic but farther texting and reassuring seemed to calm down, not needing additional medication. Today is Tuesday and I will be home on Friday, he sees his counselor today and I spoke with her yesterday explained the panic and the pupil dilation. She agreed to try to  call him ( blessed to have such caring counselors) and acknowledged what a big step this has been for the youngest. I agree, and will reassure the youngest that he has taken this step and there will be many more.

so today my prayer is for the son-in-law to have safe travels back from Nepal, the grandson to continue his growing and learning and just being cute, for the second daughter to find a job she will learn and excel at since she is back from Africa, the hubby to have more patience with them all and with himself and to not check out but lean into the recombinants and just be available to them, for the third one to continue in his work . For me I pray for the rest which has been and which will be because the letting go was hard and when I saw the dilated pupils I almost panicked !!!  Again I am thankful for all those who are praying peace over my house and my family right now, thankful for the safety nets , the counselors, the medication and the Lord God for being in all things , over all things, and through all things. Next post will be about the return and I am hopeful 🙂 AMEN.

Transitions

Just as with the change of seasons, there are transitions in household routines, some good, some different, some temporary. This week we have had transitions. The second daughter came home from her two year missionary trip in Africa, and while it is a transition for her it also effects us, the trio in permanent residence. And on top of this  I am flying to NYC to help the eldest with the grandson when the son-in-law is in Nepal on a mission trek. So yes the transitions adorned this week.

We have talked quite a lot about all this seeming chaos for weeks in family group, but it still disrupts the youngest. His sleep pattern is off, his thoughts are off, his anxiety is up and there is not one thing I can do about this, because it is partially his choice  and partially the chemistry in his brain , oh and btw the full moon was Sunday which also plays havoc when the brain for some reason.

Here is some things that are doing well and I am grateful for, 1: this is only temporary, and we have lots  of safety nets in place ,thankful for the counselors and doctors daily,2: there is a church full of people praying over my family, and a book club and internet contacts who are praying grace and peace and calmness over  my family, again I am grateful because these prayers are heard by the most high God, and while I do not know what He may answer; I know that He has a good plan for my life and loves me beyond my wildest imaginings, wide and high and deep and long 3: there are those who go beyond knowing our situation and keep asking and offering ” hey, I can pick you up at the airport if you need me too” ” hey I will give  a call and see how things are”,and of course , ” I will lift you up in prayer” .

So my prayer for today is for learning for the youngest, that he learns that he has the ability to move beyond staying at home, that he is capable of working and being out in society even if it is only part-time . That he will see his capabilities , embrace them and acknowledge the hard things but not let them control his life, because he has so much to offer – he is such a kind and gentle spirit. I also pray that I will,have the ability to let go and not attempt control, that hubby will find the peace he is searching for and that the second daughter will find a job enhancing her talents as a nurse. Yes there s a lot of transitions here and I pray for the wisdom to see them in the light of good things to come. AMEN

Steps and half steps – moving forward

This week daughter number two returns from Africa where she has been for two years. And this will cause a shift in the dynamics of the household. We are moving forward ever so slowly but still a forward move. Last week the youngest was to take me out for my birthday but due to Hurricane Matthew we sheltered in place watching the rain pour down from the heavens. We did not have any damage but so much of my state is under water right now that it is impossible to not feel a bit helpless.

I fly to NYC in a little over a week to be gone for 6 days and this is also something new, I am assured that the youngest can do this extended period without me around, but I admit that I have concerns which Have continued to lessen as the days go by – thanks be to the Lord for placeing peace on my heart.

the hubby and I are working on us and this is quite eye opening so hopefully we will gain insight into each other and continue to steward our marriage as God directs our steps. This is also helping the youngest to know that we will be ok when he moves on and gets a job and a place of his own. Thanks be to the Lord for so many things.

Today my prayer is for the Spirit source to remain with me and in me , to provide the peace that passes all understanding , to provide super patience, to provide wisdom. And I am more than thankful for all these gifts that have been provided in the past which assure me that God is good ALL THE TIME, NEVER CHANGING, ALWAYS FAITHFUL, even when I am in doubt and fear , He is present . Thanks be to God AMEN

Miracles small yet mighty

Well it is now October, the youngest’s favorite month because it is his birthday month. He loves the change of seasons especially the colorful leaves which even as a small child he associated with his birthday. The earth has tilted and the days are a bit shorter , nights a bit longer and days cooler.

Sunday was communion which we celebrated. In our small church it is a tradition for all the congregation to join hands at the end of service and sing “Bless  be the ties”. So I reminded the youngest about this, he has a hard time being with people, even though he has been with these people all his entire life. It still produces anxiety for him in ways which I can not understand. This Sunday was different, communion done, and we gathered in our circle, with the youngest. He participated, joined hands sang. Yes , I know it may not seem like a miracle but it was a testament to his growth, his knowledge that he can be in a group, participate in a group and not “freeze” as he has said in family counseling.

And on another note hubby requested that we do devotion together, so that is happening. Another miracle within the silver lining of this awful disease of schizophrenia, things change for the better and I am thankful.

So my prayer today is one of thankfulness, for all those who have prayed for me, for the youngest,and for my family. Thankful for the God who remains immutable, and faithful, thankful for His enduring presence, and for His peace which passes all understanding . Thankful for the counselors, doctors, preachers, and friends who continually exude hope in the times of darkness, hugs in times of tearfulness , and smiles at the small yet mighty miracles which occur AMEN