So this morning while I was sipping my coffee, the youngest comes down and in a not so calm voice says “my voices are back ” , and the look of fear in his eyes. So as calmly as I could I asked ” what are they saying” . In the past these voices have said, demanded, coajoled and screamed so good question. The youngest answered ” Welcome, welcome”. So I said to mayself well that’s not so bad, and aloud I said” ok well, we need to call and see if we can meet with the doctor today.” And so the day began.
You just never need to hold on to plans too tightly, because they can always change. And you can either be rigid and fight the change or you can be flexible and go with the flow, make a different plan and still move forward. As the Randy Travis song says, “nothing breaks if it can bend” and though I am older my agility seems to be getting a workout these days. This morning as I got up my mind prayed out ” this is the day the Lord has made and I am placed in it, guard, guide and direct my paths today. And I got on my t-shirt which has “fear not” written on it in bright yellow letters. My plan was to get the youngest to the lab for his monthly blood draw, pick up my finished tax forms and get new phones for us which we had ordered but had not come and I had decided to go to the phone store, interact with the staff and get that done. Well the blood got drawn as per protocol, after the doctor visit and with additional tubes to be drawn, the phones are here and I am trying to figure mine out (technology challenged in my own way), but the taxes did not get picked up and I was not able to have fellowship with some of the ladies at church, but all in all a successful day. And the voices diminished, to a mumbling noise, not the shouting voices of the morning. Perhaps this is when we sigh loudly, take multiple deep breathes, and acknowledge that we have no control, that the youngest may always be plagued by these voices but hopefully not so as to interfere with his activities of daily living. It is a puzzlement that confounds , frustrates, and produces anxiety, it’s irrationality completes throws you off guard. For me , I am profoundly blessed as I have prayer warriors so when something odd occurs, I send out texts, emails, calls and ask for prayers for peace. This is all I can do and I believe it helps me stay calm and dissipates the anxiety, because if I am calm, then the youngest remains calm and we both move through the day a bit easier,
So my prayer for today is thanks to all those prayer warriors who have sent up prayers and do so at a moments notice and just stop to pray to the God who remains in, over and through ALL things. Amen
So today is a day for learning Greek, no not the whole “it’s all Greek to me” kind of thing, but just one word. Egeiro, get up, arise, move. Translated in the New Testament as one or all of those things. This week while reading my 40 days of decrease by Alicia Britt Chloe , I came across this word egeiro; to make a transition from one place to the next, and indeed there always seems to be some kind of transition here. These past few weeks have been hard because the youngest has slipped back from his forward progress into a cocoon mode going back to the familiar. During our family session without the youngest present , we came upon the possibility that perhaps this was going to be as good as it gets. Or not. One can only wait and see. This is part of the long road, the path which has been set in place by the Lord of all, who is in all things, over all things, and through all things. And I have been placed here, for a purpose, on purpose. I have also been reading Esther and she also was placed in a particular moment in time. She embraced her moment and was written up in history. But I am not so sure of embracing this moment for I find myself being drawn from extreme anger to extreme sadness and complete frozen in time non-movement. It all seems too much on some days. I struggle with the concept of “come follow me” with my nature being “are we there yet”. And the not knowing what the end point is, if there truly is one at all. And while doing all these things were are to be joyful in trials and patient in affliction – really?!?!? It would make more sense to me if that verse had said we are to learn joy in trials, and to learn patience in affliction, but that’s just me. And these trials make you think, since the trials are to refine you like gold (Malachi 3:3) really how deep and wide and long is your own sin nature since these trials are long and deep and wide. Others seem to have it easier but perhaps they are just better at hiding the angst. How are we as Christians, to learn and grow if we do not speak of our trials, but instead go to church and show up with our polished facades and halos brightly shining. Where are the tears, the anguish, the sorrows?? And how can we receive comfort, direction, encouragement if we just hold all our junk inside, after all we are to bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2). Perhaps if we learn to be vulnerable with others, we shall also learn to be vulnerable before God, after all He is not surprised by anything, no-thing, nothing surprises God!!!!!
So for today my prayer is that I have patience, endurance, I am not to joy at the present and may never be but I confess my unbelief daily, expectantly await the next miracle which is just around bend which only God can see because the road is long.
So this is the Lenten season and it seems that people are fasting all sorts of things like chocolate or coffee. But I have been reading about fasting and today for my fast I am to fast premature resolution. Deep sigh. Because these last few weeks have been difficult.
the youngest has slipped back into a cocoon mode of staying at home and when he does get in the car there are panic attacks. Not sure why. Now what does one have to do with the other. Well, I can be resolved to moving forward every day, but that resolution goes down the tubes when the panic attacks hit, and I have to step back one or two or a dozen steps and then start the forward motion again.
I can resolve to be patient, but again my impatience shows when I am awakened in the early morning with” I have a migraine and can’t go to therapy” like happened this morning. That raw spot that longs to be healed has the scab torn off yet again when the therapist says things like” Y’all , your son is seriously sick, we have his psychotic symptoms under control, but his anxiety is off the charts and I don’t know how he will survive outside you home, but we are working on it”. Yes that was said and it was like a sucker punch to the gut, and my “premature resolution ” of the youngest getting stronger and moving forward suddenly seems light years away. And I think at my age that my frailty is showing when hubby says ” you are old” well he hasn’t exactly gotten younger ” but I don’t feel old says he, “you look old!” And yes I am old and these thing sent to try me don’t make it easier. Premature resolution reminds me that we can not and should not think that over is over, because God works in God’s time and always in His time. But it does make you pause and consider how deep and wide your own sin nature is when all these trials are meant to polish you so that you shall be like gold; mine must be way deep cause I have been being polished for a long time and I am tired and sore. Knowing that He who began a good work in you, will continue that work is another verse that comes to mind along with the question “are we done yet? ” and again light years loom large at the scope of things.
so for today my prayer is for no premature resolutions seeping into my brain, that I will remain in patience and endurance. That the grace of God will somehow flow in me and extend to others even on the hard days when it is way easier to cry than it is to smile. For migraines to disappear, for anxiety to dissipate, for peace to reign over anger and impatience amen
Nobody likes change but throughout our lives we are in an almost constant state of change and transition, so it is a conundrum that we dislike it so much. Funny how you just get used to one way of doing things and they change. Sometimes the transitions are quick and easy, and at other times they are long, drawn out occasions with lots of starts and stops along the way.
We are on a season of transition with the youngest. And for the most part it’s a good thing. He is stable on his meds, stable in his environment and so the therapist and psychiatrist, have been weaning him from his once a week/once a month visits to once every other week/once every two months visits. Which is good and frees some space for the usual household events to take place without fiddling with the calendar and making adjustments.
BUT it has also caused some anxiety to start freefloating around the room and it seems a bit uncomfortable. The youngest knows he needs to press forward, but the anxiety holds him back. He recently received encouragement to seek vocational rehab and work skills training. We are encouraging him to take this next step before going to a community which supports those with serious mental illnesses and helps with job placement and housing, but he seems disinclined due to the anxiety. This is one of those long, stop and start transition deals.
So today I am thankful that I have had practice at the stops and starts of life, thankful that though the road is long I am still on it,thankful that the Lord is still present daily and that I can call upon Him because He is not surprised by any event, or circumstance that occurs. I repeat my verse of the year today this new light of transitions and it brings peace, hope and joy for my weary traveling (thought not leaving home) soul. Isaiah 26:3 says” I will trust the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord God is the rock eternal” and I am assured, reassured blessed with His comforting presence. Amen