Fasting

So this is the Lenten season and it seems that people are fasting all sorts of things like chocolate or coffee. But I have been reading about fasting and today for my fast I am to fast premature resolution. Deep sigh. Because these last few weeks have been difficult.

the youngest has slipped back into a cocoon mode of staying at home and when he does get in the car there are panic attacks. Not sure why. Now what does one have to do with the other. Well, I can be resolved to moving forward every day, but that resolution goes down the tubes when the panic attacks hit, and I have to step back one or two or a dozen steps and then start the forward motion again.

I can resolve to be patient, but again my impatience shows when I am awakened in the early morning with” I have a migraine and can’t go to therapy” like happened this morning. That raw spot that longs to be healed has the scab torn off yet again when the therapist says things like” Y’all , your son is seriously sick, we have his psychotic symptoms under control, but his anxiety is off the charts and I don’t know how he will survive outside you home, but we are working on it”. Yes that was said and it was like a sucker punch to the gut, and my “premature resolution ” of  the youngest getting stronger and moving forward suddenly seems light years away. And I think at my age that my frailty is showing when hubby says ” you are old” well he hasn’t exactly gotten younger ” but I don’t feel old says he, “you look old!” And yes I am old and these thing sent to try me don’t make it easier.  Premature resolution reminds me that we can not and should not think that over is over, because God works in God’s time and always in His time. But it does make you pause and consider how deep and wide your own sin nature is when all these trials are meant to polish you so that you shall be like gold;  mine must be way deep cause I have been being polished for a long time and I am tired and sore. Knowing that He who began a good work in you, will continue that work is another verse that comes to mind along with the question “are we done yet? ” and again light years loom large at the scope of things.

so for today my prayer is for no premature resolutions seeping into my brain, that I will remain in patience and endurance. That the grace of God will somehow flow in me and extend to others even on the hard days when it is way easier to cry than it is to smile. For migraines to disappear, for anxiety to dissipate, for peace to reign over anger and impatience amen

 

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