Acceptance or giving up

So this week and last have been hard on me and perhaps I am over thinking things. There is an art to acceptance, but there is also an act of giving up. And how do you discern the difference?? this is what I have been pondering this week and last. For me it is hard to accept that I now have to drive 17 miles to get the youngest to his appointments because his anxiety is at the point that causes panic attacks when we are on major roads with traffic. And even when we take the longer, back way which has less traffic, I look in the rear view mirror and see him clutching the headrest in front  of him for dear life, white knuckling the ride, this is not a peaceful country excursion, no, it is quite hard on him and of course on me also.

I wonder if this is as good as it gets and should I accept it, or should I keep on keeping on hoping for improvement , or should I give up and say ok perhaps this is it.  The argument goes around and around in my head and no answers come forth. And I also think that I am not helping by giving in and taking the back, longer way, wouldn’t it be better to have the youngest “tough it out” but then would the anxiety become so high we could not even go out and yes this has happened before so it does stick in my mind a possibility.

I have not mastered this art of acceptance,  nor have I given up in despair though there are days when I want to sleep all day and deal with everything tomorrow or never, neither of which is acceptable. And so it goes. The struggle is real, the possibilities small and large at the same time. Confusion abounds, discernment elusive and fleeting.

So my prayer today is for faith in the sovereign God who through all this mess and confusion , this dreadful schizoaffective disorder, remains immutable, remains in all things, through all things and over all things, and for me to remain under His will and in His care AMEN


What choice do we have

I was just reading about Laura Story and her Husband Martin, and their story of his brain tumor and the consequences of surgeries, and she said ” what choice do we have, we will always be in the midst of this battle with these consequences, and we have to do it every day, and boy she hit the nail on the head.

It has been two weeks since the youngest came down and said “my voices are back” and I feel like I have been stuck in mud, thick gooey, quicksand like mud. We are still moving forward and we have new hope for a peer companion to come alongside with the youngest and help in the next month or so which is a positive strong thing to praise the Lord for such programs. But the reality is that we too, will always be battling this disease of schizoaffective disorder, and there will be blips, and muddy slow as snail paced weeks when the progress seems oh so small.

This is the time when I lean into the grace of God, who gives endurance when all I want to do is to curl up in bed and have a week-long cry. This is the time of a sacred  sorrow, a deep lament like the psalmist does in Psalm 13. I can feel the deep distress of him who wrote ” How long, Lord, How long are you going to turn your face from me?” It is a deep cry , gut wrenching call, seeking the most high God in moments of weariness and distress. And yet it is not without hope, for the one who calls out also acknowledges the sovereign Lord, in whom he places his trust at the end of this lament. Someone recommended the book A Sacred Sorrow by Michael Card, and I am thankful I chose to get this book. It is a beautiful work about sorrow, because we all have sorrow at some point in our lives and rather than rushing through it, perhaps we need to sit with our sorrow, cry out to God and lament like those of old, Job, David, Jeremiah and even Jesus. Perhaps we need to bring back this skill of weeping before God, bearing our souls and being comforted by the one who is Comfort. It is hard work this lamenting, and it is sacred work.

So for today I am thankful for those who point us to resources whether it is a book or personal experience. Thankful we have a High Priest who understands our laments, and for the Spirit who intercedes when all we can do is curl up and cry for loss of words. Thankful for those who stop  and say prayers for peace and comfort in times of lament and thankful for the Son who bore the cross so we can come freely to the throne. AMEN

Blip, blip and prayer

So one week ago the youngest came down and stated that his voices had returned. And today one week later they are gone. Blip, they are here, blip they are gone. After getting blood work done, we got the results today, and his level was low on the one drug which sedated these voices, even from one month ago a big dip, so blip the voices returned.

I have to admit it was scary, as a nurse my first thought was “on no,  a medication breakthrough, this is not good” , but in thinking about what had changed and I could think of nothing that we had or had not done that would precipitate a drop. And I do not know if this will last or if once again the voices will return.

The amazing thing is we changed nothing but the voices have gone. Today I am giving full credit to God  because all those prayer warriors who I sent out emails, texts, and just plain asked  said prayers. Some are people I do not personally know, they lifted my family up in prayer after reading my last blog or they heard from a friend, or in church , on the email list serve and they paused and said a simple prayer. AND GOD PAUSED, BOWED DOWN AND LISTENED.  1 Peter 3:12 states “for the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer” and this is so very true for me tonight. I feel that power of those precious prayers from all those who lifted the youngest up,my family and me up in your prayers.

I know this disease is awful, horrible, debilitating on the worst days, but on days like today, I feel victory. We had a blip, we faced it and we prayed. It did not take us to a place of fear, a place of not moving forward, no we slowed down our stride but we did not quit and this is victory, small but now the youngest knows he can do this and if the voices return at some other time, he will be able to look back on this blip and remember it is a blip, not a mountain, not a deep abyss just a blip.

so today my prayer is once again a prayer of thanksgiving, for prayer warriors seen and unseen, but mostly for the Lord who pauses  and is attentive to our prayers. It reminds me of the Psalm 8:4 ” what is man that You are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him” . Indeed pause and consider how wide  and long and high and deep is the love of Christ (Ephesians 3:18). We are Easter people and we are dearly loved even on the blip days, so do not fear , for IAM with you , do not be dismayed, for IAM your God, I will strengthen you and help you and uphold you in my righteous right hand (Isaiah 41:10) AMEN