So this week and last have been hard on me and perhaps I am over thinking things. There is an art to acceptance, but there is also an act of giving up. And how do you discern the difference?? this is what I have been pondering this week and last. For me it is hard to accept that I now have to drive 17 miles to get the youngest to his appointments because his anxiety is at the point that causes panic attacks when we are on major roads with traffic. And even when we take the longer, back way which has less traffic, I look in the rear view mirror and see him clutching the headrest in front of him for dear life, white knuckling the ride, this is not a peaceful country excursion, no, it is quite hard on him and of course on me also.
I wonder if this is as good as it gets and should I accept it, or should I keep on keeping on hoping for improvement , or should I give up and say ok perhaps this is it. The argument goes around and around in my head and no answers come forth. And I also think that I am not helping by giving in and taking the back, longer way, wouldn’t it be better to have the youngest “tough it out” but then would the anxiety become so high we could not even go out and yes this has happened before so it does stick in my mind a possibility.
I have not mastered this art of acceptance, nor have I given up in despair though there are days when I want to sleep all day and deal with everything tomorrow or never, neither of which is acceptable. And so it goes. The struggle is real, the possibilities small and large at the same time. Confusion abounds, discernment elusive and fleeting.
So my prayer today is for faith in the sovereign God who through all this mess and confusion , this dreadful schizoaffective disorder, remains immutable, remains in all things, through all things and over all things, and for me to remain under His will and in His care AMEN