In the Midst

Sometimes things happen and you really can not explain them. Last week my son had a bad week which lead to him being placed on more medicine. This chemical cocktail that he is on would snow an elephant. Just one-quarter of one of his meds would knock me out for eight hours solid. And now he is on more medicine. And yet he still gets up daily, goes to work and does the exercise routine which is all phenomenal. And while I am in the midst of worrying, he continues to take steps towards recovery.

Today he texted me about his social security card , out of the blue. Then he comes home after having a haircut(something he has been resistant to For years) came home and got his card. He explained he was going for a job interview tomorrow and was excited about it. In the midst of all this change he chooses to move forward, make changes and step out.

This does not negate the powerful prayers that have been lifted up to the Sovereign Lord, for the youngest, for his safety, his stability, his growth. And again I am reminded that even in the midst of seeming chaos, THE SOVEREIGN LORD IS IN CONTROL. And all I can say is I am humbled. Humbled for the prayers, humbled for the work He is doing, humbled for His power to break  through in the midst.

So for today my prayer is one of humbled thanks, for reminding me that He is in control, that He is good and that He is Sovereign over all whether they accept it or not, He is Sovereign. And for the blessing that He remains in all things , over all things and through all things. This journey is not over, will not be confined by disease because what the Sovereign Lord desires will come to pass, maybe not in the form or place we want but His will is perfect and I am humbled once again. AMEN

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Grief

Yes we are here again at grief. The youngest has gone to his rehab program only to get dis regulated and his bipolar component to get out of control. And so I grieve. I weep for his struggle, even though he goes to work daily it is not a walk in the park. I grieve because the voices remain, even though they are calmer. I grieve over the highs he experiences because it makes the lows so very deep. I grieve that the medicine which once worked so well and kept him stable , is no longer effective and the dosage has been increased. I grieve that yet another medicine has to be added to his already complex regimen and I wonder how much his body can take of this chemical mix and not revolt with some unforeseen side effect that may appear.

And I grieve because NO ONE AT ALL UNDERSTANDS. “He looks good”, He smile is so good to see, He really looks healthy” and yet all the turmoil is occurring in his brain. Yes, he does look good, yes I love his smile too, yes he is doing well with his exercise regimen and his blood work is within normal limits. BUT THAT DOES NOT STOP THE TEARS, NOR DOES IT HELP THE SADNESS THAT PENETRATES MY HEART AS IT BREAKS OVER AND OVER. 

This week one of our church members lost her grandson in a car wreck. This child was about the same age as my son. I feel their grief , their son is forever gone from this place and he leaves a hole in the heart of parents and grandparents. I do not envy their journey, but I wonder how to do this journey of grief when the youngest is still present, still here and yet the weight of a different kind of grief overwhelms me and tears flow. What do you do with this sadness that continues on and on and up and down. Today is a hard day, tomorrow will be a hard day for those who have to bury their beloved son and grandson, but what is it when you have to bury a dream daily. What is this type of ongoing letting go ??

So today through the tears I am thankful for the Rock, to which I cling. There is nothing else . The letting go is hard so I dream no more it is too hard to grieve a dream . If you don’t dream perhaps there is no grief, but I think this is false.  God is faithful, God is good all the time, God is present to the broken-hearted  , This I can say without doubt and This I must say daily because He is present, He is faithful, HE IS SOVEREIGN.  Amen

 

Onward again

The youngest has had a rough month, and yet he continues to get up, go to work, and do his daily exercise. I am sure some days he does not feel well. He is being closely monitored by the clinical people and yet his depression has set in. So another drug was added to his already full regimen. I am not really happy but that was not my decision, and my son says “if it helps then so be it”. I understand that the clinicians do not want him to be in that place of such dark depression (today is a purple day) kind of depression, but the more drugs you get the more likely the reaction or interaction with one or more.

So I am left just sitting and praying and trusting  the doctors do know what they are doing, that God is in control and that all things will work for the good, but I admit my unbelief takes over . So today my prayer is for fresh belief, fresh starts and fresh thoughts to take over to be placed with a new trust, a deeper trust one that no matter what happens I can still rejoice in the Lord, knowing that He is good all the time. Because He is Sovereign, He is faithful, He is trustworthy, He loves me, He is good and has my good in  his thoughts and actions all the time. Sometimes you just have to preach to yourself because the circumstances say something so very different and God is present even in our unbelief, so help me Lord in my unbelief and console me with your presence today. AMEN

Step by step

After two doctor’s appointments and two medication changes, we are still at issue with the voices. Yes they are still there,  but thankfully they are less distracting. The youngest has done one full week with his job ( no holidays, no snow, no missed days). And while the voices are still there, he is coping. I am in continual awe that he gets up , goes to work, comes home and does his exercises and moves forward. Perserverance is the word that comes to mind. His dad took him grocery shopping on Saturday and at some point he said “ I think I am getting taller” and his dad told him he thought he was right.  In reality he isn’t, but what has happened is that he is standing up straighter, walking with purpose and moving forward. Perhaps no one else sees these little steps but I do. And like Mary, I ponder these things in my heart and keep them there with prayer daily.

so today my prayer is for each tiny step, seen and unseen. Each tiny step with God right there beside us, moving what seems ever so slowly but is in His time and for His purpose. I am thankful that I am on this walk with Him because I know that in my own strength and knowledge that I would be one big fat mess. So I am thankful that He is Able. He is sustaining, He is faithful and He is loving. AMEN