Yes we are here again at grief. The youngest has gone to his rehab program only to get dis regulated and his bipolar component to get out of control. And so I grieve. I weep for his struggle, even though he goes to work daily it is not a walk in the park. I grieve because the voices remain, even though they are calmer. I grieve over the highs he experiences because it makes the lows so very deep. I grieve that the medicine which once worked so well and kept him stable , is no longer effective and the dosage has been increased. I grieve that yet another medicine has to be added to his already complex regimen and I wonder how much his body can take of this chemical mix and not revolt with some unforeseen side effect that may appear.
And I grieve because NO ONE AT ALL UNDERSTANDS. “He looks good”, He smile is so good to see, He really looks healthy” and yet all the turmoil is occurring in his brain. Yes, he does look good, yes I love his smile too, yes he is doing well with his exercise regimen and his blood work is within normal limits. BUT THAT DOES NOT STOP THE TEARS, NOR DOES IT HELP THE SADNESS THAT PENETRATES MY HEART AS IT BREAKS OVER AND OVER.
This week one of our church members lost her grandson in a car wreck. This child was about the same age as my son. I feel their grief , their son is forever gone from this place and he leaves a hole in the heart of parents and grandparents. I do not envy their journey, but I wonder how to do this journey of grief when the youngest is still present, still here and yet the weight of a different kind of grief overwhelms me and tears flow. What do you do with this sadness that continues on and on and up and down. Today is a hard day, tomorrow will be a hard day for those who have to bury their beloved son and grandson, but what is it when you have to bury a dream daily. What is this type of ongoing letting go ??
So today through the tears I am thankful for the Rock, to which I cling. There is nothing else . The letting go is hard so I dream no more it is too hard to grieve a dream . If you don’t dream perhaps there is no grief, but I think this is false. God is faithful, God is good all the time, God is present to the broken-hearted , This I can say without doubt and This I must say daily because He is present, He is faithful, HE IS SOVEREIGN. Amen