Storms

Since returning from Nepal storms have rolled throughout our state on a daily basis bringing much needed rain along with lightning and thunder. As a child lightening struck the tree by the house with our swing on it. It was louder than anything I had heard and it still startles me when I hear those strikes even when they are far away.

But those aren’t the only storms that have raged since our return. The youngest’s voices have returned , loud and obnoxious. He cannot think to apply for jobs and has missed his one job because of the loudness. Can any one imagine trying to work on any level with someone yelling all the time. No, I cannot imagine either.

This week they (they voices) started Sunday evening. They have continued to ramp up and it seems there is no relief in sight. The youngest saw his doctor yesterday only to have his anxiety medicine increased in frequency not strength. His blood levels for the medicine which is supposed to control the voices is within the therapeutic range but  seems to have taken an early vacation. What the options are I do not know at this point.

Last night was difficult because just as I was ready to go to bed -ding my phone pings and it is the youngest. “They are really loud” was all it said. Usually the meds have the youngest asleep by 8:30. So this was disturbing. I asked a few questions but the youngest texted he was tired and was going to try to sleep. I did what I could to reassure him and that I would take my phone so he could text if he needed to and then went to bed; but not to sleep.

At this point I am discouraged. With meds, with doctors, with God even. I know that sounds bad, but here’s the thing God is Sovereign, all powerful and yet for whatever reason He chooses not to act. This is hard to take from a mother’s point of view, because I want my child well, peaceful, productive. Not everyone gets a happily ever after, but we all get to have God’s presence in the midst of troubles, knowing He will never leave nor foresake us, and He is continually working so that good can come out of this. No, I don’t see it and no, I don’t feel it, and yes it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life – trust that God is good all the time in the midst of this storm.  I admit I am not very good at it, trusting that is. I cry a lot, I murmur to myself and on really bad days against God. He is faithful, absorbing all and still holds me in His hand. AMAZING GRACE, AMEN

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Hitting the wall

So having returned from Nepal and trying to get back to my own time zone has been an adventure. Just to say when crossing 11 times zones while ill makes the re-entry all the more challenging.  We hosted the youngest this week as he had a little stomach bug and as I thought it was not necessarily a good thing.

This morning he texted about not wanting to be at the vocational rehab program any more. I can understand this. He has been plagued with all manner of obstacles and setbacks and has done well, but he also lost some jobs which helped him have purpose and everyone needs purpose. So this morning the text were basically saying “I give up” and that is not good. We texted back and forth and he conceded to talk with the jobs counselor about what was going on in his head. I think the time at home did not help as we flowed back into our routine of “taking care “ of him with the greatest of ease.

so my prayer today is for wisdom. Wisdom for the jobs counselor! Wisdom for the youngest to see all that he has accomplished in such a short period of time. Wisdom for him to find purpose and meaning and to continue to move forward in this sad and depressing time in searching for a new job and a new workplace. This is a hard road for me too. As I would love to smooth all these rough parts and have him be successful and accomplished but I know with struggle comes growth, self-sufficiency and a little pride which boosts the ego. So Father God Today help the youngest knowing that feelings are liars, that you are doing a good thing and that we support you but not enable you into sickness. Father God you are present in our lives today , and in the youngest sphere, help those who are skilled and capable show him how far he has come, to not give up but to press on and press into his gifts, like perserverance, determination and purpose AMEN

Returned

We have returned from Nepal, at least most of us have lol. My ears still are not quite right, and my stomach still a bit uneasy but we are back on American soil. I have to say I am spoiled beyond compare. Nepal, Kathmandu in particular, is not the vacation place anyone would long to go to. The city is dusty, smoggy dirty and less than “touristy”, but perhaps that is because on day 4 of the trip my sinuses could no longer handle the dust, smog and incense burning and from that point on I was down for the count.

The youngest lost one of his jobs while we were there and he has been down since then. We returned amidst me having nausea vomiting, diarrhea from Kathmandu to Dubai where we were pulled off the plane to the bowels of the Dubai airport seeing the doctor and then re-booking  to get home at about the same time after clearance from the Dubai doctor that I was fit to fly, long story short I am still recovering from that and jet lag.

The youngest now has a stomach virus and has spent two days and possibly will be more here at home. I am not sure this is a good thing as we are back in the old dynamic of us taking care of him when he is capable of doing so himself but there you go. It is what it is , hopefully he will go back to his vocational rehab on Thursday, we will be praying for that for sure.

Thankful today because I can breathe even if my ear hurts. Thankful that we can wash clothes in the washer without worrying if there will be water or electricity. Thankful I went to Nepal, even though I was to help with the eldest and the newest grandson but was ill. Humbled again at the workers in foreign countries around the world who are bringing God’s light into their worlds. These worlds which are filled with idols and empty worship of inanimate objects and burning incense to gods which are dead. Thankful for the living Lord who has placed on the hearts of these workers that are in these countries making a difference in small and large ways for a little while or for a much longer time and for their perseverance in their missions AMEN