Hitting the wall

So having returned from Nepal and trying to get back to my own time zone has been an adventure. Just to say when crossing 11 times zones while ill makes the re-entry all the more challenging.  We hosted the youngest this week as he had a little stomach bug and as I thought it was not necessarily a good thing.

This morning he texted about not wanting to be at the vocational rehab program any more. I can understand this. He has been plagued with all manner of obstacles and setbacks and has done well, but he also lost some jobs which helped him have purpose and everyone needs purpose. So this morning the text were basically saying “I give up” and that is not good. We texted back and forth and he conceded to talk with the jobs counselor about what was going on in his head. I think the time at home did not help as we flowed back into our routine of “taking care “ of him with the greatest of ease.

so my prayer today is for wisdom. Wisdom for the jobs counselor! Wisdom for the youngest to see all that he has accomplished in such a short period of time. Wisdom for him to find purpose and meaning and to continue to move forward in this sad and depressing time in searching for a new job and a new workplace. This is a hard road for me too. As I would love to smooth all these rough parts and have him be successful and accomplished but I know with struggle comes growth, self-sufficiency and a little pride which boosts the ego. So Father God Today help the youngest knowing that feelings are liars, that you are doing a good thing and that we support you but not enable you into sickness. Father God you are present in our lives today , and in the youngest sphere, help those who are skilled and capable show him how far he has come, to not give up but to press on and press into his gifts, like perserverance, determination and purpose AMEN



We have returned from Nepal, at least most of us have lol. My ears still are not quite right, and my stomach still a bit uneasy but we are back on American soil. I have to say I am spoiled beyond compare. Nepal, Kathmandu in particular, is not the vacation place anyone would long to go to. The city is dusty, smoggy dirty and less than “touristy”, but perhaps that is because on day 4 of the trip my sinuses could no longer handle the dust, smog and incense burning and from that point on I was down for the count.

The youngest lost one of his jobs while we were there and he has been down since then. We returned amidst me having nausea vomiting, diarrhea from Kathmandu to Dubai where we were pulled off the plane to the bowels of the Dubai airport seeing the doctor and then re-booking  to get home at about the same time after clearance from the Dubai doctor that I was fit to fly, long story short I am still recovering from that and jet lag.

The youngest now has a stomach virus and has spent two days and possibly will be more here at home. I am not sure this is a good thing as we are back in the old dynamic of us taking care of him when he is capable of doing so himself but there you go. It is what it is , hopefully he will go back to his vocational rehab on Thursday, we will be praying for that for sure.

Thankful today because I can breathe even if my ear hurts. Thankful that we can wash clothes in the washer without worrying if there will be water or electricity. Thankful I went to Nepal, even though I was to help with the eldest and the newest grandson but was ill. Humbled again at the workers in foreign countries around the world who are bringing God’s light into their worlds. These worlds which are filled with idols and empty worship of inanimate objects and burning incense to gods which are dead. Thankful for the living Lord who has placed on the hearts of these workers that are in these countries making a difference in small and large ways for a little while or for a much longer time and for their perseverance in their missions AMEN

NEPAL , y’all


We (Hubby and I ) made it to Nepal for this little one and his older brother. It was a long trip complicated by the youngest who had yet another ER visit on the Sunday before we were to leave on Tuesday. Lots of pauses and talks and thoughts about leaving were before us, but we got on the plane, had a plan in place and communication set up so we could still be in touch.

The youngest has this opportunity to grow and become without us hovering about interfering with his development but it is hard. From the other side of the world there is really not much you can do , say or manage but the Internet helps. And then the Doctor tagged us about the youngest not eating, and his weight loss. So we are now trying to figure out from this side of the world what the youngest can do on the other side that will help him and restore balance to his eating , working day. His last ER VISIT was because he had skipped breakfast and possibly supper the night before so his blood sugar was 86 – after a glass of orange juice, as a nurse This probably means he was in the 50’s for his fasting which is way too low.

so a new plan is in place, and when we get back we will do some label reading so the youngest can make good choices. For now he has promised to eat and his sister is on board helping him with grocery shopping low carb , better protein, and a little fat .

So my prayer for today is for balance, balance in eating, balance in exercise, balance in all things because we are fearfully and wonderfully made by the creator let us embrace ourselves the round ones (round is a shape so I am in shape lol), the tall ones , the short ones, and all those in between May we find balance and health and acceptance of who we are and become more focused on the one who created us rather than what the media and others tell us we should be. It is He who hath made us and not we ourselves” let us lean on Him the creator of all, because He remains in, over and through all things AMEN

Paralyzed – or at least paused

So I began writing this post after the youngest ended up in the ER for his voices which had overwhelmed him and then he got better and went back to work. Now I am writing this because he ended up in the ER again this time for a series of short-seizures.

I got the call Wednesday before I had even finished my coffee-not a good thing. So off I went , he was safe had an IV going and was going to X-ray because he had fallen and no one had witnessed the fall but had found him on the sidewalk near his apartment, so of course full on in the ER with all their procedures and protocols. As the Neurologist was talking with us, he experienced what I was to later find out was his third seizure. After a major dose of IV Ativan, he slept for a while and of course was quite groggy from the aberrant brain activity.  He came home with me again to be seen by his Psyche Doc on Thursday, after a loading dose of another medicine. So we are paused, we are weaning off one drug and using another for the prevention of further seizure activity. The real kicker is that he had called us on Tuesday saying he had gotten hired for his first job and was excited about going to work on Saturday. And even after all the hours in the ER he was still focused on getting better and going to do his job. AND IT IS SO HARD NOT TO STEP IN AND SAY NO!!!!

Our eldest is in Nepal with her husband and the grandson and number 2 on the way. She is due in a couple of weeks. We had decided to go and had ordered and paid for the tickets and boom, ER , seizure and med changes. It is hard to let go but I truly believe and the youngest has advocated for himself, that his network is strong, he knows there will be blips, and he knows that his network will be there for him and he has experienced this help now on two different occasions , in two different circumstances. So dear hubby says “the timing for going to Nepal stinks, and the youngest really needs us” my response was “the youngest has asserted that his network works, he is determined to go to his job, and to do his meds and if we say no and stay here, it is like telling him he is too sick to succeed “ so we are going to Nepal, but I have to admit I feel the weight of that decision heavy upon my shoulders. It is the hardest thing I think I have done in a long time , this letting go, This releasing of control, this unknown future,but after all that is Life. God alone is in control, He remains sovereign, He remains all knowing, He remains in all things, over all things and through all things. That Wednesday before I got up I had prayed for peace with whatever happened that day, for a successful day as we had planned on getting the youngest’s POA updated and our taxes done. One phone call and a different kind of success with different priorities occurred, just not my plans lol.

So my prayer for today is for a peace with the decisions made, for a successful updating of the POA, for a safe trip and return for all these to come under the Father’s safe and strong care because He is the Master of all that is the mess of this world and the next. AMEN


Next steps

Yes, those next steps often in a shuffling, stop and go pace, matter. They matter because, well because the options to not have next steps seems empty to me. So the youngest had his annual blip, and ER visit. He missed 4 days of work and when he returned to the residential rehab program he said he was only 50/50 about going back. His biggest concern was that the voices would come back. So far they have not and I pray that they will not though this might be an unrealistic expectation given the nature of this schizoaffective disorder.

We have worked on some sleep hygiene things and have implemented them and most of the time I think they are working and yet there is that “leave your phone on”  “please , mom” kind of plea which makes me hesitate – my eldest is in Nepal and I would dearly love to be with her as she has her next baby in about a month’s time and yet I hesitate. We have discussed this and have gone over it , plans are in place, power of attorney is being updated, things are coming  together to make this happen. And still I hesitate the what if’s seem so large and unknown but that is the way of life right now a big question mark and lots of fog and mist with no. clear, strong answers.

I have been told to not think of the decision as good or bad, but just as a decision and move forward; the corrections can be made along the path. For me this is a hard thing, because I want to have assurances and right now there are none. I am glad the youngest had his ER visit. It showed he could and would access appropriate help when he needed it, that there is a strong safety net to catch him and concerned people (family, friends, counselors, doctors) that will see him through and all that is a good, no a great thing,

so my prayer today is for peace, peace in whatever the decision is, whether it is to go or stay, whether I go alone or with hubby, peace that the youngest is continuing to make great strides when that seemed almost impossible  a year or so ago. Thankful for the steps taken even if they are shuffling and not as fast as I would like, thankful for all those who have come together to form this net of safety and for the Lord who always sustains and holds and blesses in the messes of this random life Amen

Hidden Treasures

And I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness — secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name.” Isaiah 45:3 (NLT)

I read this in one of my devotions the other day and was captivated by the thought of hidden treasures. Hidden treasures in the darkness. Sometimes we think of darkness as being not good and even evil, my dad used to say “nothing good happens after midnight”as a warning to be at home on time for our curfew. But God has hidden treasures in the darkness.  And I have been thinking about this since I read it, and have found that perhaps we should embrace the darkness, the cloud of God , the araphel, and be at peace in the darkness.

Yesterday started with a text from the youngest, Hey mom I at the ER, don’t cry. But I did for a little bit, then I sent out a few emails and texts to the siblings of the youngest and to my Women’s book club and got dressed and off to the ER I went. I got there around 10, the youngest had been moved to the psyche section and was in the gown, pacing, looking exhausted. I got him to lie down , turned off those awful fluorescent lights and he went to sleep. A sound deep sleep. Two hours( and much prayer) later, he was awakened for a blood draw, stated no voices, and that he was “feeling really well” . Praise to the Lord who heals. Then he said “it was just a blip”!!!

Yes, it was a blip,yes there will be other blips, yes it is hard when the blips occur and you can’t see in the darkness,but look for the hidden treasure and you will see it. First, the youngest was able to reach out and get the help he needed when he needed it, second the doctors and nurses listened when he spoke and were receptive to what he was saying, third sometimes you just need a good nap.

This journey is not over, there are follow-up appointments and decisions to be made about medications, and his vocational rehab to follow-up with but wow the priceless treasures makes me just sit and be in awe of the Lord who heals, who works in the darkness and reveals those hidden treasures and we have to be alert and see them because sometimes we get lost in the darkness and can only see darkness, but He has promised never to leave nor forsake, and to fear not and I have seen some hidden treasures .

So my prayer for today is one again of thankfulness, thankful for the ER staff, thankful for the staff at his Vocational  Rehab place, thankful for his Doctor who is responsive to my emails, thankful for the Lord who continues to be in all things, over all things and through all things, especially in the darkness, in the time of unknowing, in the times when it seems like things will never get better and then boom a nap and better happens. Still amazed, still thankful, still blessed AMEN

In the Midst

Sometimes things happen and you really can not explain them. Last week my son had a bad week which lead to him being placed on more medicine. This chemical cocktail that he is on would snow an elephant. Just one-quarter of one of his meds would knock me out for eight hours solid. And now he is on more medicine. And yet he still gets up daily, goes to work and does the exercise routine which is all phenomenal. And while I am in the midst of worrying, he continues to take steps towards recovery.

Today he texted me about his social security card , out of the blue. Then he comes home after having a haircut(something he has been resistant to For years) came home and got his card. He explained he was going for a job interview tomorrow and was excited about it. In the midst of all this change he chooses to move forward, make changes and step out.

This does not negate the powerful prayers that have been lifted up to the Sovereign Lord, for the youngest, for his safety, his stability, his growth. And again I am reminded that even in the midst of seeming chaos, THE SOVEREIGN LORD IS IN CONTROL. And all I can say is I am humbled. Humbled for the prayers, humbled for the work He is doing, humbled for His power to break  through in the midst.

So for today my prayer is one of humbled thanks, for reminding me that He is in control, that He is good and that He is Sovereign over all whether they accept it or not, He is Sovereign. And for the blessing that He remains in all things , over all things and through all things. This journey is not over, will not be confined by disease because what the Sovereign Lord desires will come to pass, maybe not in the form or place we want but His will is perfect and I am humbled once again. AMEN


Yes we are here again at grief. The youngest has gone to his rehab program only to get dis regulated and his bipolar component to get out of control. And so I grieve. I weep for his struggle, even though he goes to work daily it is not a walk in the park. I grieve because the voices remain, even though they are calmer. I grieve over the highs he experiences because it makes the lows so very deep. I grieve that the medicine which once worked so well and kept him stable , is no longer effective and the dosage has been increased. I grieve that yet another medicine has to be added to his already complex regimen and I wonder how much his body can take of this chemical mix and not revolt with some unforeseen side effect that may appear.

And I grieve because NO ONE AT ALL UNDERSTANDS. “He looks good”, He smile is so good to see, He really looks healthy” and yet all the turmoil is occurring in his brain. Yes, he does look good, yes I love his smile too, yes he is doing well with his exercise regimen and his blood work is within normal limits. BUT THAT DOES NOT STOP THE TEARS, NOR DOES IT HELP THE SADNESS THAT PENETRATES MY HEART AS IT BREAKS OVER AND OVER. 

This week one of our church members lost her grandson in a car wreck. This child was about the same age as my son. I feel their grief , their son is forever gone from this place and he leaves a hole in the heart of parents and grandparents. I do not envy their journey, but I wonder how to do this journey of grief when the youngest is still present, still here and yet the weight of a different kind of grief overwhelms me and tears flow. What do you do with this sadness that continues on and on and up and down. Today is a hard day, tomorrow will be a hard day for those who have to bury their beloved son and grandson, but what is it when you have to bury a dream daily. What is this type of ongoing letting go ??

So today through the tears I am thankful for the Rock, to which I cling. There is nothing else . The letting go is hard so I dream no more it is too hard to grieve a dream . If you don’t dream perhaps there is no grief, but I think this is false.  God is faithful, God is good all the time, God is present to the broken-hearted  , This I can say without doubt and This I must say daily because He is present, He is faithful, HE IS SOVEREIGN.  Amen


Onward again

The youngest has had a rough month, and yet he continues to get up, go to work, and do his daily exercise. I am sure some days he does not feel well. He is being closely monitored by the clinical people and yet his depression has set in. So another drug was added to his already full regimen. I am not really happy but that was not my decision, and my son says “if it helps then so be it”. I understand that the clinicians do not want him to be in that place of such dark depression (today is a purple day) kind of depression, but the more drugs you get the more likely the reaction or interaction with one or more.

So I am left just sitting and praying and trusting  the doctors do know what they are doing, that God is in control and that all things will work for the good, but I admit my unbelief takes over . So today my prayer is for fresh belief, fresh starts and fresh thoughts to take over to be placed with a new trust, a deeper trust one that no matter what happens I can still rejoice in the Lord, knowing that He is good all the time. Because He is Sovereign, He is faithful, He is trustworthy, He loves me, He is good and has my good in  his thoughts and actions all the time. Sometimes you just have to preach to yourself because the circumstances say something so very different and God is present even in our unbelief, so help me Lord in my unbelief and console me with your presence today. AMEN

Step by step

After two doctor’s appointments and two medication changes, we are still at issue with the voices. Yes they are still there,  but thankfully they are less distracting. The youngest has done one full week with his job ( no holidays, no snow, no missed days). And while the voices are still there, he is coping. I am in continual awe that he gets up , goes to work, comes home and does his exercises and moves forward. Perserverance is the word that comes to mind. His dad took him grocery shopping on Saturday and at some point he said “ I think I am getting taller” and his dad told him he thought he was right.  In reality he isn’t, but what has happened is that he is standing up straighter, walking with purpose and moving forward. Perhaps no one else sees these little steps but I do. And like Mary, I ponder these things in my heart and keep them there with prayer daily.

so today my prayer is for each tiny step, seen and unseen. Each tiny step with God right there beside us, moving what seems ever so slowly but is in His time and for His purpose. I am thankful that I am on this walk with Him because I know that in my own strength and knowledge that I would be one big fat mess. So I am thankful that He is Able. He is sustaining, He is faithful and He is loving. AMEN