This image is from Proverbs 31 woman devotion which came to my email about three or four days ago. And I have pondered the devotion for several days now, trying my best to figure out whether it makes me angry, sad, glad or just confused. I loved the devotion and the sentiment that God doesn’t just shut the door, but also opens new possibilities when change occurs, but I must admit that somewhere in the post the sentiment of ” this will take a miracle to get it(whatever changed) back to where it was” nailed me hard. Perhaps it was because it had been a hard week not fraught with failures for we had a lot of successes, but it was hard fought and dear bought as the saying goes at least on me anyway.
I guess I just don’t see the point of longing for past things. At family meeting last time hubby thought the youngest was doing better before he was on the medicine that stopped the voices and the psychosis, but I think now he (the youngest) is not hiding what is so bothersome to him and this makes it harder for hubby but easier in some ways for me. If I know what the problem is, then I can take it apart piece by piece and with some thought, some prayer, and some discussion with the youngest can try to deal with it, if it is hidden well then no healing and change can take place.
Change is hard even when expected but when it comes from left field it is hard and to long for the “good old days” certainly has an appeal. I am not sure what the good old days look like in my house either. We never got to the empty nest, and now it is full again with the youngest, and a grandchild who lives away but is always on our hearts. Do I long for those days when the youngest was well? I just don’t know. The apostle Paul writes ” forgetting what is behind and striving for what is ahead” but can you really forget what is behind and do you want to because the past is part of you as surely as today is part of you.
So this new place I am in is quite uncomfortable right now, caught between what is and what will be. This in between place which at times presses in on my heart and fills my whole self with tears. I long for that peace which passes understanding, but it never seems to be here for very long and things are always in flux, not even able to plan from day to day and certainly not months in advance, my new mantra is “we’ll see what happens.” I do not like the not knowing, the uncertainty, it throws me off balance sort of like having a permanent case of vertigo. So I wobble along, mucking my way through the day holding on to that gem of a verse I read by accident one day. That gem in Ephesians 4:6 “One God the Father of all, who is in all things, over all things and through all things.” So I pray that this God is here, in this mess, over this mess and through this mess, because He is the constant unchanging one, who set this day in motion, gave me breath, and placed me here. And I pray that I am doing the right thing but that too is in question, so I pray for wisdom and discernment, and for the sight to see the blessings in this unwanted and unexpected change.