Wow, this just hit the mark this morning,in my groggy state. As I sat waiting for The youngest to have his session, one of the social workers walked by and spoke those words of wisdom!! Got the prescription, but haven’t gotten it filled. Indeed the pharmacy seems to be closed and who knows when it will be open! I am tired this morning, the youngest was awake at 1:30,2:30, 3:30 so at 3:45 I just went and laid down with him so he would go back to sleep just for a while anything would help!! He of course was up at 5:15 – that o’dark thirty o’clock when it isn’t even one bit light – even the rooster refuses to crow at that hour. Anyway around 6 he got up and went downstairs where his dad was and I just laid in bed not asleep just lying there praying for strength to get up and move through the day as best I can.
Yes, we have the prescription. That is a goal of independent living for the youngest and I believe it is attainable. Unfortunately, I am striving against two forces which seem not to believe this. One is the youngest, who in all his smartness has read everything negative on the internet that says” schizophrenics are hopelessly unable to be productive members of society”. One is the hubby who through his actions continues to treat the youngest as if he was two not twenty-two. This has got to stop. We are doing family therapy, but if two-thirds of the unit are in this negative, no hope place, what chance is there for success??? And then I read about Abram. Yes, that character from the bible who against great odds took only a handful of farmers and shepherds, went to battle against a known conqueror , AND WON!! Not only did he win but he got everything he had lost back!!! What made the difference? spunk, determination, fortitude – no, what made the difference was that Abram got down on his knees and said” I can’t do this, but you Lord, Jehovah-jireh, the God who provides, can and I will praise you, for in you alone belongs the victory!
I am tired, weary to the point of curling up in a tiny little ball, covering my head and just giving up and then comes this message on my daily devotions – so I get up and I turn it over to God, knowing that the Victory is in Him and even though I do not know what that might look like HOPE flows in and I can smile and breathe and still carry on. Hopeful that the negativity will dissipate from this house, hopeful that a new day will come when hubby will realize the youngest must grow and face his own battles, hopeful hubby will recognize his need to grow and not be stuck in fear, hopeful that I will not collapse from weariness and knowing that the Lord is listening and hearing all my prayers, even the incoherent ones that will hopefully be interpreted by the Spirit Source into some coherent meaningful prayer that will be answered in due time.