Guard you heart

Sometimes you just want to cry, and scream, and pull your hair right out.  So what do you do. All I can say is that it is a good thing that M&m’s are not readily available because I would probably get sick eating them. This disease of schizophrenia can bring out every single wrong thing inside you and makes you pause and think about how hard it is for the one suffering from the disease if it makes you( the supposedly sane person )a little crazy.

The youngest is on a new medicine and it has helped – yeah !!! Actually Saturday we washed his hair and for once it wasn’t ” hurry, mom, hurry” but instead he was giggling saying that the water tickled. Now that is a big improvement. So we will see if it can be effective against this new enemy, anxiety.  So far the jury is still out on that but perhaps it will be helpful enough and sometimes enough even if just barely can be what it takes to move forward even a little.

We have been stuck for a long time – about seven months and yes some things are better and others are still stuck. It reminds me of Psalm 13 ” How long, oh Lord? Will you forget me forever???” And there are certainly days when I feel forgotten and then I get a devotional about Job – lol so no, not really forgotten. But there are days and months of the waiting when everything is hard, uphill, rocky , and pull your hair out frustrating ; those are days when the rains masks the tears that flow from your heart.  I am not sure how you are to guard your heart when this disease seems to rupture every shred of emotion that you have and not just once but over and over. I think on days that my heart breaks more times than I can count  it  especially hard for my heart to be guarded. How can you be stoic when your child is suffering even if you are doing what is to help on the long run? Thank goodness God the Father of all is in, over and through this mess. So each day, sometimes multiple times I recite Psalm 103:1-2 whether I “feel” it or not. Indeed ” Praise the Lord oh my soul and all that is within me, praise His holy name. ” Praise the Lord oh my soul and forget not all His benefits” . Sometimes the soul cries in a place of unknowing and the Spirit Source intercedes to the most high God. Sometimes it is all I have left , this hope of intercession from one of the Trinity to another of the Trinity and sometimes it is enough – HOPE.


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