Today is he first Sunday of Advent, the Sunday of  Hope. I have to admit to feeling pretty hopeless recently though and I am glad that this is a season of hope , perhaps I can find it again.  The call from the residential program sent the youngest back to anxiety laden horrors and we are still trying to recover. So once again the circle has closed and the tiny bit of porousness that once was ; is no longer . So I have to ponder whether this is as good as it gets and can I really hope for more?

Even today we went to church and were singing a hymn, which isn’t unusual for even in our seclusion we do sing the songs.  But this song was about stars and starry nights and the youngest just went off, heart rate racing, face reddened and just out of it and when asked he said it was due to the song about stars”I know it’s crazy” and “they don’t call me crazy for nothing”. So what do you hope for and how can you hope when confronted with the likes of simple lyrics causing such reactions.

Even today’s sermon was about hope and it was a good one full of hopefulness for the season, but I have to admit that I am just not feeling it, at least not right now. Perhaps there will be a change and I can once again feel that hope which is powerful and wonderful but right now it is not there. Hebrews 6:19-20 says “we have this HOPE as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters  the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where Jesus , who went before us has entered on our behalf.” And I desire with all my being to be so anchored but instead I find my soul being anchored by this great sadness,weight and sorrow with no sense of change or fulfillment or even better days and it weighs heavily upon me especially in this season of joy.

So this is for all those who are looking for that hope. I have thought a lot about hope in the past week because today was the day, the first Sunday in Advent and it was the Sunday of Hope. Let us continue to look for, to seek, to ask, to search diligently for that hope which is powerful, sustaining, and as Isaiah says (40:31) “but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary they will walk and not be faint.” Because right now I need to feel not so weary, and earth bound but rather need to feel the way eagles soar and the loftiness of that powerful HOPE.