today was an early up day, by that I mean the phone buzzed me @ 5:13 “CMP” from the youngest. I could tell he probably wasn’t going to go back to sleep but I said any way”it’s too early go back to sleep.” And of course @5:32 I hear the whir of the computer go off and sent a text asking him to turn the volume down.
At 6:37 another buzz of the phone “CMP” “I’m downstairs” which usually means I am up and hungry and yes he could fix his own breakfast but most days doesn’t go in the kitchen by himself perhaps remnants of when he was hallucinating and the knives and other things were talking to him or maybe as his brother posits he is just lazy. Still a good day hubby off to the dentist and not as hot as it could be in late July here. So we sat on the porch and played Yahtzee – he won – twice – and everything had a positive feel to it until after lunch.
We did a breathing meditation and I asked about a short video he was to watch from his therapy and he said “yea it helped it was very calming since I was having a bad day” wait what a bad day when did that happen, I missed it or at least I did not pick up the clues or maybe there were no clues. This disease is strange beyond all reckoning and there seem to be no rhyme or reason to it. Which makes it harder to discern what needs to be done or perhaps it is my inadequacy with discernment. Perhaps it was the cloudy day and the heaviness of the air that weighed him down, or perhaps it was some biochemical surge that happened as we were putting up the temporary crib because the grandson is coming to visit next week.
So the question of how to help someone who feels sad internally yet seems to be acting positively externally comes to mind. Do I believe what I see or do I accept his assessment and go from there. This is why it is so hard to deal with this disease it confounds you daily, saps your reasoning and leaves you completely dazed. And if that wasn’t enough each and every person who has this disease has a different outcome and presentation of symptoms. So again I am in awe of the doctors and therapists who try to care, direct and manage a therapeutic course for these patients. And yet they do and are seemingly excited at the small progress that is made – perhaps I should take a clue be joyful in affliction as Paul writes at the small things and hold on to the hope that the youngest will have recovery, a greater recovery that I can expect or imagine at this point. In the meantime with prayer and petition in thanksgiving I will ,as the chess players say, pawn forward , move on though some days I would like to sleeps bit later than 5:13 am. Lol