Looking for ?…..

It would be helpful to know what you are looking for then perhaps you could find it. I don’t know what I am looking for and this makes the search all the more difficult. I know that this disease schizophrenia/schizoaffective is long-term, incurable, annoying, confounding, tiring and much more, so I am doing what I can to understand. Some days are long and some nights, too. Recently the youngest has been up at night “CMP” comes the text message and with his ultra anxiety I dare not answer or go and check his pulse,but it does make for tiring days.

So we had a doctor’s appointment and now we are in the process of weaning him off one of his anxiety medications. Wait isn’t his anxiety high, don’t we need more or different or something for this anxiety??? Apparently after a while and at such a dose as he has been one the body adjusts and it doesn’t work any more but if you wean them off and start again it works, how strange is that!!! Welcome to my world of strange. We are also exploring acupuncture which of course the insurance won’t pay for at all, and we are exploring the possibility of a service dog specifically attuned to help his anxiety. None of these options are immediate and none are known to work but then we are running out of options so let’s just explore them all including a device which is FDA approved to shoot a tiny electric signal into the brain to help reset the parasympathetic/sympathetic brain system. And believe me the youngest definitely needs his reset!!! Even putting a rocking chair in his room for him to rock in seems to be an option these days.

I spoke with my counselor the other day and she was adamant that I should take care of myself and that this should be priority one; but my child is sick and I struggle to find the right balance of taking care of me, the house, the husband and the sick child and I know that I often put me last because it is the easiest to let go of and say  ” it will wait for another day, or as the country song says I can sleep when I’m dead” !

So I set tasks to complete and consider it a good day when I get one out of a list of three done. Some days none get done and I just am thankful that the day is over and I can have a few restful hours of sleep before the buzz of the cell phone awakens me and it starts all over again. Today’s devotion included this little gem ” slow down your pace of living for a time” . The pace of life right now is slow but it is the progress that is taking place at such an infinitely small microscopic pace that frustrates. The therapist working with Joe assures me that I am doing the right thing and the doctor says things we are doing are working, but I have to confess I don’t see it, of course they are measuring with the stick of ” he has not been hospitalized” and I am using the measuring with the stick of ” I haven’t been able to leave my house for nearly two months for longer than 45 minutes” so it is a matter of whose measuring stick you are using and how tired you are and when do you get a break. I even confessed that I had hope for him to be hospitalized so that I wouldn’t t have to deal with the youngest, but then I would still have to deal with the hubby so no real relief, perhaps I will just have a ” Calgon take me away shower” and for a few minutes pretend things are normal – at least in the shower lol!!!

So parting thought, here are some things I know; The Source of life is with me all the time, I am being sustained by that Source, there is a Peace with that Source that when all things are chaos the Peace still remains. I have not found the Joy that is supposed to be there but perhaps I am to tired, and since the Source is in all things, over all things and through all things I do; I need not fret or worry because of its Presence and this Source has a perfect plan and works to knit all things for the good of those who love this Source – the Source is in control even when things feel so very out of control!!!!!


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